Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let us have An additional place wherever American men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give Every person a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by files Trump Tower Damascus printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is delicate electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should cease working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."

Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorised.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is really not only unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features

Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium where by visitors might ponder obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They can Arrive"

The advertisement marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is already attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also involve:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a resort the place my PTSD can have convert-down service."

Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Closing Feelings with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In the closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."